Who am I if I am not writing?
Learning a new normal, to experiment with new ideas, and allow old concepts of self drift the hell away.
It’s cold. The world is slowing down, and I am slowing down more than normal. Call it one too many books on “is this all there is?” style thinking or a recent health scare and diagnosis, but I am digging into that winter-born existential crisis with renewed vigour.
For almost twenty days in June, I thought my life was about to come to some crushing halt. I was in so much pain, I couldn’t tap a text, let alone write you a blog or a newsletter.
Thankfully, I am (slowly, timidly) beginning to navigate the new normal through relearning a lot of things via a new diagnosis. I have arthritis in the spine with nerve involvement. It’s in a tricky spot, right in C2 and C3. The inflammation is such that the nerves can’t move without being bashed on either side. That makes it painful, weird, and painfully weird in my head, neck, shoulders, upper back, and right arm, when things are misbehaving.
I never knew how much arthritis bloody hurt until it took up host and squeezed the neck nerves inside me.
Please indulge me while I share a few things.
Image: the vegetation at the beach with the sun poking through with the words “Who am I if I am not writing?” over the top.
Facing myself
Even though I am learning, I am still in a state of panic at doctor’s advice at slowing down and less computer time. Pain doesn’t help things.
Inside this creative cocoon, I have hung with thoughts of desperate fear.
· Will I have to give up writing?
· Who am I if I am not writing?
· Is this the end of my current employment?
· What can I fall back on?
· What about my creative ideas?
· How do I pull a big health friendly change off during a recession?
· How do I do that when I am scared and exhausted?
It doesn’t help I’ve been told to reduce my stress by any means possible. It feels like the white bear problem, where they tell you to think of anything but a polar bear and that becomes all you think about, that damn white bear.
It also makes me wonder about the precarious nature of freelancing:
· How protected are you against accidents, illness, and misadventure?
· What would changing careers like look for you on a functional, emotional, social and identity level?
· If you only had a certain number of hours of creative work in you, would you continue to use them for commercial purposes?
· How recession-proof is your business?
· How recession-proof are we as an industry?
Nothing is more clarifying and crystallising than a health scare. You teeter at the edge of the past you might have squandered, and the future you may never realise.
Everything is under review. But also, even in the ringing there is a voice whispering, “you have nothing left to lose.”
Yesterday, it was the anniversary of my Dad’s death. And I was sadder, more anxious, and in more pain than usual. I get that. I hope you get that, too. I’m not inviting you to a pity party. But I am hoping you’ll go easy on me at the moment while I figure out what to do.
On days like yesterday, I feel so out-of-control and fragile.
Other times, I am OKish. Like today.
I comfort myself with the knowledge its early days. I remind myself I am only learning and failing might end up being a good thing, eventually. And that nothing has been taken away, I just need to find a smarter way to do it. And do less of it for the time being.
A couple of tips from this adventure
· If you’re a small business owner in NSW, you may be eligible for $1000 small business rebate to upgrade your working from home setup. Plan ahead as it takes three to four months to qualify
· Using a vertical mouse is so much better than the standard mouse. I wish I’d converted sooner! Check them out.
I’ve been creating again
Luckily, the creative pantry is always kind of full around here…
Learn what I uncovered when I made my financial literacy a priority in my blog for Rounded. (PS: if you want to check Rounded out, use this code for an extended free trial)
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Books to read
Grab a copy of Kristin Neff’s ‘Self-compassion’ – its great for anyone going through just about anything.
You can skip up to five pages at a time, but hidden in the bluff and bluster, Sabri Suby has some fairly solid things to say about sales in Sell Like Crazy. (it’s free)
Not a book, but my favourite community manager crush, Richard Millington from Feverbee, is recommending my Substack (GASP). He’s a bloody top read.
Check out awesome freelance things
Katherine and Katrina take you through the Art of Travel Writing. Alex explores poems about love and baking. Lyndall gets honest about their AI fears. Jamie has a new young adult fantasy book out.
Pen has created a cracking website for a Gruen panellist’s company, Gambol. Claire is using their website to help you flourish in self-employment.
Nigel shares a video about Blake finding his place. Meanwhile, Benny explores Singapore. Tim shows off his film skills with this clip for musician, Iseula. Veronita has animated a film clip entitled the girl who rules the sea.
Check out Rhiannon’s bad ass residency where art meets science in the Artic circle.
Calling all word nerds and content creators to the Contentbyte Summit in Sydney in September.
Oh, and disability advocate, writer, and wonderful woman Carly Findlay has cancer. She didn’t ask for this but let’s make money one less issue for her to worry about by supporting her here.
I think that’s enough, don’t you? Please be gentle with me.
Love and the love of creativity that brings out the fight in funny ways,
Rebekah
Your generosity even in the face of what your body is going through.... 💜 You're awesome Bek, thank you
Life really is shit sometimes for absolutely no reason. I hope you can find a way to navigate this ship you’ve been forced aboard. I have had CFS for 35 years (early adopter, go me) and am currently being punished for a trip to Vietnam with a massive flare-up, meaning any activity exhausts me and I’m sleeping a lot. No writing going on because I’m also a piano accompanist and have a concert to play at in less than two weeks. Fortunately, current deadlines are not pressing. Thus, I practice then sleep. Thank God for my husband or I’d starve and have to set up a tent in the park. Pianos are bitches to move. But I know I’ll get better and return to my normal level of energy eventually. I’ve learned to be patient; not much choice. I’m not asking for sympathy, just letting you know I understand the struggle and frustration. Go as well as you can Bek.