The problem with "I thought you should know" girls

In business politics, are you telling that tale to help a person out? Or are you doing it to save yourself?

“I thought you should know.”

Another one of those (un)helpful girls has started this well-worn, useless conversation. They approach me because events last week where I was the subject of judgement or ridicule has made them uncomfortable.

They feel the need to advocate now, though. Or at least, inform me of this harm.

“It hasn’t sat right with me.”

Not enough to say anything at the time, of course. Or to double back and have this awkward conversation with the perpetrator.

It wouldn’t do to make a note to bring it up next time with the group.

Nor will they be comfortable letting it go, making a silent commitment to do better next time.

“I’m just coming to you because it was about you. You should really know what they are saying.”

Past notification to justification we go. I haven’t taken the bait and they are pressing for a response. They want me to understand the unspoken risk they are taking. They need the catharsis from their gossip-based purging. They need assurances they haven’t plonked themselves in the shit by speaking to me.

But let’s be real here - most of all, they seek validation.

I leave them squirming. I can feel my eyes crinkling as I figure out the social puzzle in front of me.

Taking in a beat now, I calm myself to avoid shaking my head.

Or telling them who I really feel is at fault here.

You see…

I don’t believe I should know anything.

Why do I need to know something:

• I wasn’t privy to

• Cannot prevent

• Cannot change

• Would look unreasonable confronting the person with?

What am I meant to do with this information? Run up to a group of other middle aged women, point to one of them and cry, “X said you were being mean about me. It made them uneasy. Stop it! Stop it immediately”?

How does engaging with this teenage bullshit help me?

But there it is… the alleged good Samaritan telling me the nasty things people say about me when I have no chance to defend or protect myself.

Not because it does me any favours. Or because it gives me any options. I mean, freelancing in Australia is a small pond. Everyone shares an audience or a connection eventually. Being combative is a bit of an own goal, trust me.

No. I am on the hook to fix things because they are unhappy about carrying the emotional weight around. They’ve crossed some moral boundary and need to wipe the slate clean. They can achieve that by confessing to me.

Or perhaps, they are hedging their bets. Simply distancing themselves should anything ever go down. Maybe they even secretly want the drama. And this is their way of starting something.

Putting their motivations aside, all I can think is:

Fuck me. Really? Really?

What the hell am I meant to do with this?

Of course I know

I know because we are but animals and instinctually, I can feel it when the joke has been shared or the aside exchanged as it lingers into another social time. Because people imagine they are far more discreet with their bitchiness than their face allows.

Of course I know.

I’ve felt the person’s disdain directly. Overheard them at events. Or seen it in text somewhere on social media with my very own eyes.

Of course I know.

They’ve even yelled at me to change and when that didn’t work, they went running with their frustrations to you.

Of course I know.

I know because this is what women do.

They horse trade the fear of their own acceptance for someone else’s safety. They pull their own arse out of the fire by making sure someone else is the topic of conversation. They create the pyramid of social ranking and enforce it with conversational brutality.

I know because I’ve watched many a “I thought you should know” girl’s eyes flicker from me to the other person, waiting for fireworks to start. Or heard them repeat the half truths of other people’s alleged reputations.

And I know because I’ve been there when they’ve said shit things about you, too.

What? Does that shock you to know that the burning lasers of condemnation and criticism are pointed at you, too? Did you really believe that making someone else the target, you actually remained immune?

Rest assured, I know. And it makes me feel shit, too.

It is the same shit in a different bucket.

The difference lies in what we do about it. And who we tip the bucket onto.

Image: The problem with "I thought you should know" girls