Searching for the chance to whine and moan
If we look for the misery, we will be rewarded. But the question really should be why would we?
At 4am Monday, I find myself on my phone reading news articles. I have this self-soothing ritual where I allow myself to be awake, read and then get drowsy. It works most of the time.
This time though, I am digging a little further than the news. Into the comments section I go. I know, I know, this is a bad, bad road. I know I could leave it at the positive ones. Settle my tired head with joy instead.
But here I am mining for the negative commentary. Slurping and slopping in the stink.
That sourpuss there. That caps lock fury there. I do not bite. Although my finger flirts a little.
Tap, tap, tap, delete, delete, delete.
I am catching wave after wave of weaponised laugh emoji and sanctimonious incredulity. I surf it right down the line to the soapy wash of dreary cynicism and adult tantrums. It’s an easy ride to shore. Especially on the pages that love to stoke and poke the ire.
The self-soothing never comes.
I have a moment of clarity at 5:30am and come to talk to you instead.
But the question remains:
Why do I do this to myself, dear reader? Why do I jump down rabbit holes to ferret out errant foxes and weasels? Why, even though I know it’s not good for me, do I dig and wallow in this sour negativity?
Optimism is not only no longer the default state on social media. It’s fallen out of the back pocket somewhere on life’s highway. It shattered loudly and created potholes of negativity.
Not that we noticed of course. We were too busy cursing the road.
Loudly. Ineffectually. Digitally.
The ability to identify issues was gifted to us to help us solve problems.
Why then do we identify, whine and moan, but rarely change?
I'm not sure how I managed it but I feel like I photographed inside my head. Dark, moody and with disconnection in strange places.
In choosing the outcome, we design the future
When we whine or seek out the negative commentary, we are affirming the negative outcome. It’s a sure bet. No surprises salad. It is f@#king easy to recapture misery because there is always some around.
Vision boards (and things of similar ilk) are upside down. I don’t believe we create positive rituals, written self-talk, adult collages of success and amble around with future, wishes and destiny to get what we want.
Instead, they are hope in magazine collage form.
The “aim for it” patrol exists to drag our butts out of the filth of cynicism. To get us looking forward, even if we miss by a mile.
It’s a sneaky trick to distract our ever-roving eye off the focus of complaint.
Our self-fulling prophecy
· If you decide marketing is one giant amorphous creature that sucks, it will.
· If you decide someone on social media is vain or boring or annoying, they are.
· If you decide a person is their marketing, you ignore the person within.
· If you decide you probably won’t succeed, you make that happen, too.
And on and on it goes. The more you dislike someone, the more inflexible you are when it comes to allowing for a margin of error.
The problem we have is that:
· to hope is to be vulnerable
· to be vulnerable is to risk pain
· the cynic already had their vulnerability crushed
· protectionism remains.
We forget cynicism is not hip or cool. That cynicism is a restrictive scar tissue of doubt. It wears the uncomfortable and scratchy robes of the pessimist. Robes that itch against that scar tissue and causes any desire for hope or dreams to sour and waft away.
And the pain and discomfort are comforting. Because at least it isn’t the nervous, unknown anxiety of change.
But when someone stands up and says, “we can do this better”, it opens up the space for curiosity. Curiosity acts as a balm that (sometimes at least) helps our old mate dream again. And even if it doesn’t defeat the cynic, it most certainly turns the volume down on their complaints. At least, I hope, and I dream. Or I tell myself as I stop indulging my own darkness to find a productive reframe.
9 questions to help identify if you are (really truly) ready for change:
1. Is the discomfort or pain you experience now worse than the fear and anxiety associated with change?
2. Are you willing to risk what you have now (income, familiar but boring clients, predictable business, an unappealing scaling plan) to make space for something better?
3. Are thoughts of your future prospects defined by excitement or drudgery?
4. Who said you need to make that change, anyway?
5. Are you choosing that way forward not because it feels like a ‘natural progression’ in an overly comfortable (and potentially stale) creative relationship, but because it feels like a way to shake things up?
6. Despite your trepidation, do you feel confident in the bedrock of your idea whether that’s by instinct or design?
7. Does it feel like a stretch to your imagination, ambition or drive?
8. Despite seeing the hurdles and the ‘what ifs’ and the extra work, do you feel as though you can carry that extra labour beyond the initial pain to somewhere special?
9. Do you want it? Like really, really, really?
Change is like an echidna. You might think that ouchball looks cute. But it doesn’t want your hug. Although, it may need your help. If you have to relocate them, you do so with small movements, the understanding of its fragility, and with the knowledge it will be wary of you, too. Plan ahead. Wear a thick pair of gloves. And get comfortable that even though you are trying to do the right thing, you do not know what impact you might have in the future.
Places to learn and play
If you want to stop being stuck, refresh your business or simply feeling as though you are the purple Smurf in the land of Fairies, book some coaching with me.
I spoke to the lovely Emma Lovell for her podcast on Building a brand while supporting others. It’s branding and self-promotion without the “I am the answer” vibes.
Join a bold posse from the Freelance Jungle for an unself challenge that changes the lens of social media away from the siren song of Me-Me and the Gimme Gimmes to transform it into a creative all-star jam.
There are so many classes coming up, I have them in a class list blog. Check it out (there are social media video, playing for creativity and mental health, Google AdWords, how to support things you care about and get clients through campaign work, how to publish your non-fiction book, and make writing your life - and many are free or only $3AU via Patreon <insert jazz hands here>!).
Oct 14th - "You better werk it" virtual coworking happens every second Friday of the month for Patreon supporters. And it's on again in October.
Nov 5th – Translating creativity into paying your way – this is an in-person workshop I am doing for the South Coast Writer’s Centre in the Illawarra. Paid ticket goes to keeping SCWC doing their amazing work.
Deadline Party registrations are now open – the spring 2022 deadline party kicks off November 15th for Patreon supporters. Join us for an hour a week in a small group as we cross off a project or idea from the TO DO List in a supportive, proactive and educational environment. If you’re tired of hearing the deadline whizz past and want to get that creative, business or side hustle project up and running, now is your chance. https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/spring_deadline
Odds and sods from the Freelance Jungle group
The amazing Shane Moon is swapping books and clothes like it’s hot at an Oct 16th event in the Illawarra. Caroline asked, ‘how many clients is enough?’ – you should see what everyone else has to say. Anfernee had been thinking about his authentic voice as a marketer. Noya helped us maintain a high readership for your best ‘old’ articles. We had a great old chin wag about why no one wants to go back into the office.
A final thing - tell me something that is giving you joy. Even if that joy is the brief sunshine in an otherwise rainy day. Because I suspect we both need it. And even if we don’t, it will wipe the whines away. I look forward to your special little rays illuminating the comments section and my inbox any day…
Love and other reasons we get up at 5am,
Rebekah