I learned about boundaries the hard way

Getting caught on the fence of your own choices can sometimes be the best experience you need to get better at self-advocacy

In the Freelance Jungle Facebook Group, I am often answering questions and providing the copy for emails to push back on clients. People marvel at my ability to sum up a request for boundaries. It’s something I have learned through years in client-based work.

But more than that, it’s because I’ve made quite a few mistakes along the way.

I am like anyone else. I’ve sacrificed my boundaries to help other people. One such case was when a freelancer kept messaging me with her freelancing woes. Not only her woes, but her requests to reshape how I operated my freelance community based on her business problems.

“You need to kick that guy out because he hasn’t paid me.”

“I worked with that woman, and it didn’t go well. Warn people off working with her.”

“Can you tell this client not to do XYZ to me? I can’t deal with him anymore!”

Her entreaties were sincere. I would spend hours with each problem, talking this person down via instant messages. I knew instinctively that following her “get rid of them all” approach was a bad idea. Instead, I workshopped her terms and conditions with her, patiently wrote debt collection emails, and counselled her on tough client conversations. I soothed, I validated, and I challenged the more heated thoughts, too.

And instead of attending to myself, I listened to her problems for hours every week. Patiently, methodically, trying very hard to help her find her feet.

Nothing worked. Nothing changed.

At one point, I asked her to stop messaging me.  A friend had suicided, and I needed time for myself. She repaid me by bitching about me in a national forum. She painted me as a hard person who said they had time for people but really didn’t when it mattered.

I didn’t have the emotional strength to challenge her behaviour or counter her claims.

To my knowledge, she’s never elaborated on the circumstances to people as she ran me down. She’s never apologised. She focussed only on her indignation.

And it took me a long time to get over that situation because I felt used, foolish and like I had given as much as I could, only to be humiliated in public and judged by virtual strangers. At a time when I was also reeling and grieving, that was incredibly hard.

When I flatly refused to receive direct messages from people anymore, it probably only validated her claims. But by that point, I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be in a position where someone could demand so much and then paint me as so awful later.

Here’s the striking thing, though. While this entitled person makes for a great cyber fairy-tale villain, it was probably the best lesson anyone has ever taught me.

It taught me people aren’t nefarious or trying to suck the life out of you. They are simply oblivious to your situation and circumstances. Mostly, they are thinking only of themselves and are focussed on their own problems.

Image: a path in the rainforest at Minnamurra falls walk. I always think of the paths we take and the boundaries we need as this visual form.

How did we get here?

All behaviour is a journey of small steps. You can build good habits with slight changes and small choices. You can also build problems one push through the boundary fence at a time.

The responsibility for upholding my boundaries is mine. If I am aware enough to know boundaries are necessary, I cannot assume that the other person shares the same insight. I have to establish the boundaries and protect them like a lioness.

I gave that person way too much support without qualification. And I assumed (like many of us do) that the mythical beast of common sense would kick in, eventually. I counted on her noticing I how helpful I was. I got high off her need, too.

In reality, what I was teaching her was:

·        She didn’t have to take responsibility for situations because I would draft a way out of them

·        She didn’t have to face her problems and reflect on how often she intersected with them. Or what she needed to change

·        An unrealistic and unsustainable standard of customer service was hers for the taking.

I set the standard for her behaviour by assuming boundaries would magically appear.

I’m (a very gooey) human. It hurts me that people think I am some hard arse because I have boundaries.

But that’s why boundaries are even more important.

There’s a quieter and more forceful respect in stating, “No, I cannot help you with that”. You can skip the shame and discomfort of the email written after the emotional well has run dry that is a litany of reasons you needed to pump the brakes so much sooner. You don’t have to be an exhausted people-pleaser engaged in outsourcing the approval of who you are and what you do. And you don’t have to believe that everyone is out to get what they want at all times and armour up.

Especially when you realise the world continues to turn after you’ve said no. And that vulnerability with the people that are similarly mature is its own reward.

If you find yourself squeamish with boundaries, ask yourself:

1.      Is instituting a boundary here beneficial to the both of us?

2.      What am I trying to prove by going above and beyond?

3.      What outcome is likely if I enforce the boundary? What outcome is likely if I don’t?

4.      Look at the project or person. What strengthens them in the long run?

5.      Am I encouraging this person to gain confidence, become autonomous and self-reliant? Or am I creating doubt, dependence, and an over-reliance on the opinions of others?

6.      Why am I uncomfortable with the word no?

And if you’re surrounded by people who often rely on you to fix their messes, personal, professional or otherwise, check-in with yourself:

1.      Am I engaged in people-pleasing and/or trying to fix things to allay my own doubts or make myself feel better?

2.      When was the last time I put my needs, wishes and wants first?

3.      How often do I feel put out by people asking me for attention and help? What do I do about it now? What can I do in future?

4.      Am I shying away from or refusing to set boundaries because of a fear of confrontation, losing work, being unliked or unpopular? How is that shaping my business experience overall?

5.      Do I lean into more unhealthy behaviours such as toxic fixer traits, workplace martyrdom or punishing people for not noticing the good I do for them?

And finally, what do your freelance boundaries look like:

1.      Do you have a well-written terms and conditions that help advocate for your proper treatment and payment for the life of a project?

2.      Are you making use of that terms and conditions when projects go awry?

3.      Have you made email template responses for commonly occurring client problems, such as late payment, low ball rates, and late running assets?

4.      What is your preferred way to shut down scope creep, requests for free work, and unwanted behaviour?

5.      What processes do you have in place to ensure feedback is timely, applicable, and useful?

6.       Are you thinking through what you encounter, say and do on a regularly basis? Or are you reaching for someone else’s templates to avoid the deep thinking?       

This March, the Freelance Jungle is working with Rounded to help create a better relationship between freelancers and clients. We want to highlight what it takes to create healthy boundaries and what positive communication looks like.

Curious? More information will be available shortly – but in the meantime, always remember that the best you is the you that is given freely. Not because you’ve got something to prove or someone demanding it. And hit me with your stories where boundaries have mattered in the comments below.

In the meantime, catch up by:

Embrace that slow and steady vibe and join me and the Patreon Pinkies for virtual coworking. We meet every second Friday of the month for some solid, supportive work time online on business AND creative activities over two sessions. (details on Patreon).

And learn the art of freelancers managing contractors as Monica Davidson from Creative Plus Business explains her recruitment, management and workflow processes with this amazing blog.

Love and ways that inspire better boundaries in us all,

Rebekah